I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
