dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
