u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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