So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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