i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
