im having a threesome with these popsicles
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
