the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
