Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
