I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
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