Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
