I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
