Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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