Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
this boner is exhausting
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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