my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
