Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
