K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
