Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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