I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
