i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
