if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
