at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You ate ashes out of my bong
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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