My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
