I met the friendliest cop last night
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
