so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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