Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
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