Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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