Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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