No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
