I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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