Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
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That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
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Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
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