I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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