I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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