I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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