I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
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