I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
