Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
