She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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