Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
