Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
