He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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