Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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