You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
