Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
