my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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