Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
