Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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