My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
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at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
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OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Sex in the backyard? Check.
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