this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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