Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
