hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
