Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
