Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
