she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
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