Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
