i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
