i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
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No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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