This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
my being single is dangerous.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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